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Entry tags:
-KAZUMA-
Dear Journal,
Things are different now.
The other day, it finally happened. The thing I feared more than anything else--I was thrown away. By her. The most important person in my life. The person I belong to.
I guess I should have expected it, but I didn't. It didn't make sense to me. I thought things were going well. I was smiling again, and laughing even, for the first time in so many years.
Not anymore though. I won't smile ever again. There's no reason to. I only wanted to show vulnerability when I felt it was safe to. But I'll never show vulnerability again. As soon as you show vulnerability, you show weakness. And when you're weak, it hurts more when you get thrown away.
The pain of being abandoned by a guardian and being abandoned by a romantic partner are two very different but very horrible pains. I was abandoned by both at once, so I am feeling both. I don't think I can trust anyone ever again.
But I was stupid to trust her to begin with.
Why did I come back here with her? Why am I so unable to be separate myself? Even though I'll never trust her again, even though she threw me away and will probably do it in the future, even though nobody likes me here and Ramsey wants me dead and I like Wyther so much more than everyone on this ship and now I've got SeriOS back in my head and am once again a ticking time bomb....I can't remove myself from her side.
I'm so pathetic. And I'm going to grow into a pathetic, disgusting, cowardly adult. And then she'll leave and she won't even look back. And I'll be alone.
Except....I like Egret. He seems to like me, and he seems to have similar priorities--sticking together, forever, with those he cares about, regardless of the societal meaning of his relationships with them....he just wants to live a simple life filled with unconditional love and free expression of his strangeness.
I want that too. I think Reina wants the same thing, but she's stupid and flighty. Maybe I should fall in love with Egret instead. Reina and Stork both seem to have. He's pretty amazing.
I want to believe that since he's given me a bird name, he would let me stay a part of his weird bird-nest fantasy. But...I'm not going to be so foolish as to trust him. I'm afraid to trust anyone anymore, even if--especially if--they tell me they'll never abandon me.
Are birds different though?
Goodnight.
-Kazuma
Things are different now.
The other day, it finally happened. The thing I feared more than anything else--I was thrown away. By her. The most important person in my life. The person I belong to.
I guess I should have expected it, but I didn't. It didn't make sense to me. I thought things were going well. I was smiling again, and laughing even, for the first time in so many years.
Not anymore though. I won't smile ever again. There's no reason to. I only wanted to show vulnerability when I felt it was safe to. But I'll never show vulnerability again. As soon as you show vulnerability, you show weakness. And when you're weak, it hurts more when you get thrown away.
The pain of being abandoned by a guardian and being abandoned by a romantic partner are two very different but very horrible pains. I was abandoned by both at once, so I am feeling both. I don't think I can trust anyone ever again.
But I was stupid to trust her to begin with.
Why did I come back here with her? Why am I so unable to be separate myself? Even though I'll never trust her again, even though she threw me away and will probably do it in the future, even though nobody likes me here and Ramsey wants me dead and I like Wyther so much more than everyone on this ship and now I've got SeriOS back in my head and am once again a ticking time bomb....I can't remove myself from her side.
I'm so pathetic. And I'm going to grow into a pathetic, disgusting, cowardly adult. And then she'll leave and she won't even look back. And I'll be alone.
Except....I like Egret. He seems to like me, and he seems to have similar priorities--sticking together, forever, with those he cares about, regardless of the societal meaning of his relationships with them....he just wants to live a simple life filled with unconditional love and free expression of his strangeness.
I want that too. I think Reina wants the same thing, but she's stupid and flighty. Maybe I should fall in love with Egret instead. Reina and Stork both seem to have. He's pretty amazing.
I want to believe that since he's given me a bird name, he would let me stay a part of his weird bird-nest fantasy. But...I'm not going to be so foolish as to trust him. I'm afraid to trust anyone anymore, even if--especially if--they tell me they'll never abandon me.
Are birds different though?
Goodnight.
-Kazuma